Can I be completely honest for a second? Not to say I haven't been in all of the other posts, I have. This just isn't something I've talked about to anyone, really, other than Herm.
Being a stay at home mom isn't my dream job.
Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to be able to stay home and raise Carson, blessed to be able to survive, even thrive, on a single income. Blessed by how hard Herm works to provide for our family and how he completely supports me as I stay home.
I love being able to witness most of the firsts for Carson, like the first time he rolled over, the first time he sat up be himself, his first words and first steps. I love being a mom and I love where I am at in life.
But almost daily I need to remind myself of that.
In the culture that I was raised in, as a mom, staying at home is celebrated and expected. It is completely normal.
When the pregnancy test showed that, yes, our family of two would be expanding we were shocked and thrilled and knew immediately that my career would be changing, there was no question about it. It was going to be a big change, certainly, but we would roll with it.
The adjustment, however, hasn't been as easy or smooth as I thought it would be. In many ways it feels at though I have surrendered my dreams and desires and passions to stay at home and live a mundane, almost boring, life.
Friends and even complete strangers, none knowing my discontentment, often reassure me that mothering is one of the most important vocations there is, but still the inner turmoil and unrest remains.
Finding fulfillment with this new phase in life has been a constant struggle, one I fight daily.
Recently I was introduced to Shauna Niequist and her writing, and after reading this blog post on motherhood and calling, it felt like I finally got it, finally realized that even in motherhood I can still pursue my dreams and passions, those desires don't have to be put on hold, instead we can work out the logistics and practicalities so that as a stay at home mom I can still pursue what energizes me. While I certainly don't have forty hours per week to pour into creative work, I do have four hours per week, or even per month that can be devoted to awakening dreams.
"Everyone benefits when women tap into the passions and use the gifts that God has given them. The church benefits, families benefit, marriages benefit, businesses and non-profits benefit. Everyone wins when women discover and live out of the gifts and passions God gave them."
I wholeheartedly agreed! Shauna's words gave me hope and energy and reason embrace my passions - Even in motherhood, even when the logistics don't seem practical, even when it does take extra effort.
How will this change my life? Honestly, I don't know. But an idea has been planted, and Herm has been so encouraging and supporting of it. I'm excited to see where it goes, but even more so, I am excited to find freedom in the thought that, yes, motherhood is sacred and good and holy, but even in motherhood I can pursue what makes me come alive, because, that too, is sacred and good and holy.
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